I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
