Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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