dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
