When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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