I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
