i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
