nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
