I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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