i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
