The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
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