based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
