when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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