can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
