I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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