hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
