True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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