i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
