My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
