Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
