so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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