So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
