They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Hippo gnu deer
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
