when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize