Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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