Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
