Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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