eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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