we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
