Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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