You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
