He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize