how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
