i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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