I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
