well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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