That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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