Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
