So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I love having hate sex.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
