it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
as a side note pls kill me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
