And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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