last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
