Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I need moral support for this bender
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
