my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
