While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Are we still banned from the library?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
