hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
A+ Viking dick
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
