Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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