I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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