i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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