Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
