We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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