Three words: puerto rican gang bang
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
