I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
