how can u be prego again
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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