Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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