Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
from now on my penis is your penis
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
