1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
