I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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