I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
