I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize