Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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