hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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