I smell stomach acid.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
