can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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